SiMach

“Man is lowly by birth, man is only a pilgrim on earth.

Born to be king, time is but a temporary thing

Only on loan while on earth”

I never thought I’d have to attend another wake so soon but I just came back from one…. This time it is my brother’s (Andrew) father-in-law. It was difficult being there and had it not been for family, I certainly would have avoided it. It would have been the longest flight my sister-in-law would have had to make back home. My heart goes out to her; my siblings & I totally understand ... sigh

It's hard to explain feelings and thoughts of those left behind; unless you have experienced losing someone you love to death, what the surviving members going thru' will be hard to comprehend. To some, death is death, it's something we have to go thru' and will say that we need to move on. Well it's easier said than done especially when in my case, what I had with Philip was so good; the father I had was wonderful. I don't expect anyone to understand, this is a journey everyone will have to go through eventually.

Right now questions cloud my mind. How will I know that I’ll have the strength to go on when it sometimes feels that all hope is gone? Why is it that he had to be taken from us so early in life? It’s all so unfair. Did I do something wrong? Why would God bless my life with such a wonderful man only to take him from me? God obviously has a plan for me but I just don't understand. Please don't tell me that it's better to love and lost or that it's something I have to accept or that he's in a better place. please don't tell me that my kids are resilient or that they'll forget.... they love their dad and were so close to him so tell me, how will they forget, especially when they spent so many wonderful years with him? Children like us adults are vulnerable to pain.

I've been told that Philip probably didn't know or feel anything at the end of his life. I think otherwise, I’m certain that at the very end, my husband would have thought of our kids and me. I know this because it was always very hard for Philip to leave us. He would not have wanted this..... but it's not up to us isn't it?

What does it mean when people say 'you are strong' or 'you have to be strong’? If I hear another word about being strong and strength I think I’m going to scream! Is it because I appear composed with a smile on my face? Philip used to always tell me that he's so proud of me because I’m strong; he would call me superwoman.. I would tell him that I’m not.... It's going to be a long and painful journey for the kids and me but one that has to be made (I stress once again).

Sadly the reality is that at some time in our lives we will all have to be alone, we will all have to lose someone we love. Life on earth is not eternal not forever but death is. We possess material things but we can never possess ourselves or the ones we love not even our children. There is a higher power God and He possesses us.

Death is a humbling experience. No matter how rich you are, no matter what your social status is, how happy or sad, we will all experience death. So I think it's all about the way of life, how we choose to live it. Philip always put everyone before himself. Others mattered to him. No matter how tired he was, he would have his gorgeous smile greeting you, always ready to help. It'll be tough following his footsteps but I will try and I hope I will do him proud, but most of all, I hope I’ll do justice in bringing up our 3 babies........

Thank you for all the support and help. Great big hugs and kisses go out to my two families and friends, you know who you are. I love you! Without all of you, I will be a wreck.